One of the most effective tools I’ve used in becoming a calmer parent is simply keeping my mouth shut.
Our children expect us to yell when they are acting out. They want to push our buttons and get our attention. If we’re able to stay quiet and respond to them calmly, we shock them instead of them shocking us.
Source: ihatemyparents.tumblr.com via Shannon on Pinterest
Get into the habit of never answering your child immediately. At first, try counting to three whenever they say anything to you, then allow yourself to respond. After you’ve mastered that, increase the count to five. Then ten.You can do it. You don’t fly off the handle and scream at your kids in public do you (well, not often anyway)? Then you can control yourself at home, too.
This goes for everyday requests as well as tantrums or bad behavior. I can’t tell you how many times my kids yell “MOM!” when they can’t figure something out or they want something. If I don’t answer right away, it gives them a few moments to think about their need and reflect on whether they might be able to handle it themselves. And sometimes I’ll soon here a “Never mind.”
When you’ve mastered the art of delayed response, you’ll be able to evaluate the situation at a later time when you and your child are both more calm. This kind of self-control is the basis for calmer parenting.
This post is day two of my 31 Days to Calmer Parenting series. Find more 31 Days participants here.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: diana_prichard
October 3, 2011 at 11:49 am
Oh my gosh, no! You mean there are people who do this on purpose?!?! This is a huge pet peeve for me. I think it might even fall under the category of cruel and unusual punishment. LOL!
I cannot STAND people who take forever to respond to something. My husband does this all the time, just naturally and it makes me batty. I don’t know if he just started doing it or if I just didn’t notice it before but Oh. My. Gosh. Just no. To me it’s rude to not acknowledge that someone is addressing you. Different strokes for different folks, I guess. Good to see you posting often again. :)
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Twitter: shannonentin
October 3, 2011 at 12:01 pm
I get it Diana. I don’t like it when someone doesn’t acknowledge a question either, but I think there is a difference here. I think we too often jump in and help our kids when they don’t need it, or we respond hastily or angrily. I think it’s a good practice to pause a beat, think before we speak, even say “One minute, please,” so we can collect ourselves and not respond in anger.
Twitter: diana_prichard
October 3, 2011 at 7:23 pm
I really like the “One minute, Please.” approach. Gives you time to think about your response but lets them know you heard them and are preparing an answer.
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Twitter: dashingly
October 4, 2011 at 9:53 pm
If I totally ignore the “Mom. Mommmm. Mommmmy. Mommmeeeeeee. MOMMY!!!!” It just gets worse until I do say something. But I don’t rush into the situation, either.
And as far as yelling at them all the time… the more I yell the less effective it is. No one listens to someone who talks, let alone lectures, too much.
GREAT series! I just tuned in via Google Reader and I’m looking forward to reading the rest of the month’s posts :)
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Keeping quite is way more difficult than it seems.
For me it is ..? i dunno how to stop myself by saying things i want to . or i should’ not .
Even here i cant truly explain my self or the point .? Argh.!
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