“No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched.”
~ George Jean Nathan
I’ve talked a lot about fitness so far in the Discipline Project, but not so much about the second element of my year of focus: Emotional control. This will be infinitely harder than the fitness goal for me. I have a big bubble – I need a lot of space. I’m not a touchy-feely-cuddly person. I like my quiet time. I enjoy being alone. So when my days are full of cooking, cleaning, taxi-ing, teaching, and listening to the chatter, questions, and arguments of my children, there are many times when I want to run to a quiet place and hide from all the noise and demands.
Or.
I just get mad.
“If you’d just listen to me the first five times I say something, I wouldn’t have to yell at you.”
“Can’t you two EVER just behave?”
“I’m so SICK of this! I’ve HAD IT.”
How many times have you “had it?”
No parent likes yelling at their kids. But we continue to do it because these kids? They know how to push our buttons. We think it’s simply a part of our parenting tool box, but I have come to realize that yelling is verbal abuse. Plain and simple. And when I hear my 12 year old parroting my reprimands to my 6 year old? Ouch.
I asked my kids yesterday to tell me how I sound when I get angry. My son (12) was hesitant and shy about it, but my daughter (6) had a blast imitating me.
Except it’s not funny. She’s told me a few times that I scare her. I scare my own kids. Lovely.
I talked to my kids about respectful voices and language. I told them parents aren’t perfect and I’m trying hard to stop talking like that. I asked them to remind me when my words hurt them.
For the next 12 days, I will be following Noble Mother’s 12 Days to Stop Yelling and I’ll post my progress every day. Today’s task is to talk less and act more. When making a request to your child, don’t talk or use only one word. You may use gestures to suggest and encourage your child to do what she needs to do.
Why not give it a try?
{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: fnnkybutt
January 20, 2011 at 10:42 am
I’m so with you on this, it’s something I’ve been working on for a while and getting very frustrated with. Once the yelling habit starts, it’s hard to break, but its really a form of lazy parenting – and ineffectual, and quite possibly harmful.
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Twitter: RubberChickenMa
January 20, 2011 at 11:16 am
I’ve been working on this, too, and really want to get it together. There’s no doubt my kids know that I love them, but I really really want to get to the point that I don’t yell, don’t lose my cool…because I’m starting to see (ok, honestly, I’ve seen for a long time) that their anger management mimics mine. For their long term happiness, I have to find a better way and FAST.
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Yes. I do need to stop yelling. At least I don’t feel so alone in this! Thanks for the openness in your honest confessions. I totally appreciate that and am right there along with ya. Less words, more actions. I’ll give it an honest try!
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Twitter: my1littleworld
January 20, 2011 at 4:58 pm
Oh you are brave….Brave! I, too, crave my bubble and alone time and it is so hard to not just *snap* when that is invaded. I’ve really been trying to practice the “Love & Logic” methods but it is so hard sometimes. When you wrote that you asked your kids what you are like when you yell, at first I thought, “oh, my son is only 4…he wouldn’t be able to answer that…” but then your six year old loved to mimic….and then I though, “oh yes, he could.” Ugh. That hits home.
Traci recently posted: Wordless Wednesday- The Boy at the Seashore
I’m too working on this. I think in some aspect we all are, unless you happen to be a perfect parent…I don’t think those exist, though. We’re on a good run, but there are “those”days. Those are the days when I hear my own words spewed back at me and the reality of how lousy an example I can set really sinks in. Keeping cool is tough in this frigid, confining weather sometimes.
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oh wow…I could have written that post exactly. (hide) & (ouch)
Thanks for sharing.
What rubbish. Because you yell when you are out of control does not make yelling into verbal abuse for all. What is “abuse” may depend entirely the nature of your child. We use yelling only for extreme crimes, and from a strong need to make sure the severity of the crime is understood. “YOU WILL NEVER, EVER THROW A ROCK AT ANOTHER PERSON AGAIN!” was one recent example. It was done exactly once, followed by a 30 minute time-out to consider the crime. Because yelling is rare and reserved, it makes an impact.
Twitter: rachelteix
January 21, 2011 at 4:46 pm
I think it is great that you have evaluated your yelling and are willing to try and stop! Just remember you are not perfect and sometimes you will make mistakes! Good Luck!
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Twitter: LaraRTaylor
February 2, 2011 at 11:01 pm
To Marci: This is not rubbish! Every person ahead of you (and myself) all connect with this issue and are concerned about it. The whole point is that the author is feeling like she is doing this constantly, that it’s an issue; obviously she’s not yelling once in a while (ditto for the rest of us!). The definition of abuse does NOT rely upon the nature of the child. Webster defines abuse as: language that condemns or vilifies usually unjustly, intemperately, and angrily. See? Angrily it says! IF yelling is rare, that is one thing, but clearly, the author is stating something else entirely. And she has a legitimate point, as the rest of us empathize with her and understand what she is going through. I guess you don’t have that problem, but no reason to rip on others! And it doesn’t make people feel to good to share something so intimate and have someone tell them it’s rubbish.
Shannon, I too have a yelling problem and am very aware of how my kids imitate it. I will also ask my kids how I look to them when I yell. I will be following! :) Thanks!
Hi. I get angry more than I’d like. I’ve been working on it for some months. Really working. So glad to have just found this site where you are working on it, too. Sometimes I say to myself, not to justify but out of empathy, that I have a child who is very active and very curious and this makes for some exhausting behavior that most parents don’t have to deal with on a minute by minute basis. The other day my son yelled a me: “Mama, stop it!” And just hugged him and kissed him and said I’m sorry. He asked why I was apologizing and said because it’s not nice that mama yells stop it and that I’m working hard not to say that again. It was a learning/painful/healing moment. I’m going to be following your writing closely! Thank you for doing this.
There’s the real problem – the imitating. I keep telling myself I will reap what I sew on that one. I have found, both my wife and myself, that as well yell less, our kids have also stopped yelling at each other and at us. Amazing isn’t it? We can *say* whatever we want, they simply watch what we do and copy it.
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I yell @ my child when I think shez not listening or doing what I askd her to do-im making her afraid of me-afraid to tell me when she broke or lost something because she is scared I will shout @ her-sometimes she asks ‘mommy will u shout @ me? One day when she was praying she said’Jesus can you pls make my mommy not to shout @ me’ that broke me into pieces because I can see by myself that I have a ‘yelling problem’sometimes I will go to her,hug her and ask her to please 4giveme-she olweis says she forgives me and she loves me very much-shez 4yrs old and I love her so much-shez beautiful,loving and very intelligent-i need to stop yelling so much,it hurts me too-sometimes I just wish I can close the door and be alone-this yelling is fustrating
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